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May. 23rd, 2013

Best Kiss Ever

(no subject)

A lot of time as past since I wrote something.
Maybe this is good time to start again?

Sep. 17th, 2007

Butterfly 1

An entry from awhile....lol...it been awhile, huh?

Dear Journal.
As we grow, I suppose we sometimes forget some of the little things that got us where we are today. This journal, for example, is one of those things. I loved to write in my ujournal...then livejournal.....then, as time progressed, the love for writting didn't die, but it sort of got put on the back burner.
I remember years ago, sitting at the Rainbow River State Park for an ABCD field trip, plotting out my 4 year plan for high school and the subject of me becoming a t.v. news anchor came up. It stuck, from that moment on, and it just seemed like it would make perfect sense to go forth with that. My mom wanted that for me.....so did a lot of other people. Now, almost 6 year later, I can proudly say that I have accomplished the idea of going to school for that. At 19 years old, I graduated with a college certificate in the field I dreamed of. Who can honestly say that they pursued their own dream right after high school? Granted, I haven't gotten a job yet....but I know that if I continue to work on the craft, I will be to soon enough perfect this idea.
As for living, I don't live life that much I do to a certain extent, but not really. You know, its weird how we don't know we have so many imperfections until after we are on different soil. I knew that I had alot to work on with myself, but God damn, I didn't realie how much. I am getting better. Thats the best part, so I can't complain. Being here, in Clearwater, was probably one of the best things to have done because it impacted my life in such a way that if life hadn't formed this way, things obviously wouldn't have gotten worked out to this point. The constant what if......What if my mom hadn't died, what if I hadn't eft DCS and became homeschooled, what if I had chosen to go to GFCC instead of moving here....what if I never left McDonalds.....what if I had actually given in to Kenny and not broken things off? It is my constant quote that things happens for a reason and I know the answers to some of these questions. If my mom hadn't decided to homeschool me, I would have gone deeper into my stubborness and messed everything up I had going for me with my schooling and by the time someone noticed, it would have been too late. If she hadn't of died, I wouldn't have gotten my first job...I wouldn't have come here....and I would not gave gained to knowledge I have now if it wasn't for that. I'm not going to say I am grateful or anything like that, but I would have been stuck in a glass covered world for the rest of my life and never would have known some true facts of life.
I love living alone. I am a people person to an extent, but I need my own space too. Honestly, people drive me freakin nuts, as do they alot of people. I will always keep people at arms length, but that length, some days, is not so long.
As for love, I haven't given up, but I am not putting everything into it either. I want someone to be there, yes....my hand gets cold sometimes.....but at other times, I just don't know. Its not worth the drama. I have become alot more relaxed and laid back with guys. I really have. I still miss Josh and Mike, but you know what? Its okay...honestly, I only miss the fact for the attention and me losing weighet, lol...j/k....I mean, I miss it the most when everyone else does.....when other couples are around and its a romantic sparkle in time. But if its supposed to happen, it will, so no matter how lonely or whatever I am....It can wait. Afterall, isn't that what a cat if for? lol......Speaking of, I dont live alone...I live with the cutest guy in the world.....Othello, my 4 month old kitten. Aww.
Well, this is an update on my lfe....perhaps there will be more to come?

May. 30th, 2007

Best Kiss Ever

Relationships.

Have you ever felt like your life was always going into a full circle? Or is it just me?
So when I try to change the outcome by changing how I do things, all I get is a huge stop sign slammed in my face. So I end up just doing the same things over and over again.
And its always with relationships.
I have never honestly and truly had one. I have always been the one pursuing people and always the one broken hearted. Kenny, you know, was the closest thing I had to one bc we were supposed to be "dating" but we never did anything couples do. It was like a friends with benefits deal and thats all I know. After Kenny, I had Dolton and I don't even know what I could call that and then the Jamacian which was almost a one night hookup that last three days, lol.
And then theres Shawn and Mike..........I don't know even know how to go about those.
And people don't believe me when I say that I haven't gone out with anyone. I respond with a "I've never had the opportunity" which is pretty much true. I am not liked by guys and I think my innocense and bc I am so naiive to alot of things either scares them off or intrigues them to only a standing behind the glass effect.
And now I can add another to the list.
His name.........is Josh Clements.
And boy, have I fallen hard and fast for this kid.
If you asked me today, I would do anything for him.
Risk my life for his type of deal.
Now that all may/will change in a few months.
But for right now, hes what I want.
We have only been talking for a few weeks and we were always so close to dating.....but....there is always this lingering thing in the background.
His ex fiance.
He lives with her, deals with her, uses her car, everything is with her.
I was an IDIOT for thinking that I could ever compare to her.
I mean, hes with her all the time.
He would always ask me if I still wanted to be with him, blah blah blah....And I always said yes. BC I DID.
I STILL DO.
But I messed it up......I always do...maybe I didn't mess it up, but it sure looks like I did.
I saw him last Wednesday and I wouldn't let him kiss me goodbye. It was part of our ritual....I would let him hug me, which led to a kiss, and then I would attempt to leave, but I always ended up staying for a few extra minutes and would start kissing again. But that night he was different to me and I told him about my exciting news about school (I'm the lead anchor in our school video!!!!!) and he didn't react like I had hoped he would. I just wasn't feeling it, you know? He got so pissed off at me bc I wouldn't let him do that, that he just drove away. Later that night he called and asked me one last time if I still wanted to be with him and if I did, I sure have a funny way of showing it and that I pretty much better work a little harder at it.
So, the next day, I talked to him and we were fine right......no big deal. His phone kept acting up so he called me from work. He told me to call him if I was going to swing by (which I was and he knew that) and I called him twice before I did. I show up there and he gets pissed off at me bc I didn't call and I know I shouldn't be there bc of the situation with him and the ex. We always met at the place his ex worked bc thats where he had the car. I haven't seen him since that day. I tried calling him a million times to no avail.
Well, he called me on Sunday to tell me that we could never be more than friends bc he worked things out with the ex.
W T H
I feel like such an idiot.....he led me on the believe that he was never going to get back with her and he only wanted to be with me. I do have a spy and she talks to him and he tells her that the whole "I'm back with her" was a coverup and he honestly wants to be with me. I think its bull, but I still keep an open mind about it. If your my friend, why would you pursue me when in the back of your mind, you still want to get back together with someone else?
And to top it all off, I almost saved myself from extra heartache.
To me, sex is a big deal. The action itself isn't, but the emotions that follow it are. You are giving something of yourself to someone that no one else can have. I don't want to sound corny or anything, but its almost like they are chosen and given an honor. That is the closest you can be with someone and I couldn't just give that away to someone.
I was preparing myself to give it to him.
I asked all my friends and even people I haven't talked to in awhile about their own experiences and advice. When I do something, I research it first, just to be sure that I know what I am getting myself into.
But honestly, hes the first person I have thought seriously about doing it with.
Even now I am getting all excited, lol.
He never pressured me to do it. In all honesty, he stopped me before it got to serious. At first, I thought its because he was getting it somewhere else, but the more I was with him, the more I saw it wasn't. He respected me to much for me to just one night give away to him before I was ready. I was always the one pushing it, almost to a point of no return, but he stopped it before it got that way. He even asks my permission before he does anything physical with me.
Even though I haven't talked to him since then, hes been the only thing I can think about, dream about, blah blah. I haven't been even to go to sleep.
Theres alot of stuff that he does that isn't good, so I'm just really really worried about him.
He tells me not to worry, but I have to. I care to much not to worry.
And I am trying to talk to his friend, Brian, but I doubt he will ever call me.
His friend is on my side of alot of things and has texted me off of joshs phone when he was really worried about him one day. We both feel the same way about what hes doing and how we can try to help him so hopefully we can keep in contact to help.
But relationships suck you know that? Why can't it be so simple.....Why can't two people who honestly and truly care for eachother just get together and not deal with all of the flippin drama?
I really do want to be with him though.....I guess we shall see how things turn out, huh?

Apr. 28th, 2007

Best Kiss Ever

I had to post these somewhere.....they were too funny to pass up

Myspace Layouts
Myspace Layouts


Myspace Layouts
Myspace Layouts


Myspace Layouts
Myspace Layouts


Myspace Layouts
Myspace Layouts

Feb. 27th, 2007

Best Kiss Ever

why

Sometimes, feelings and thoughts never change.
Men are complicated........or women just make it that way. I am so naiive and stupid to the ways of dating and relationships.....Its just so frustrating.
I can't help it.....I don't have much experience because I don't have offers.
I am being myself and isn't that what to ultimate goal of a guy is liking you just for who you are?
Liking you because your cute when your pissed off or you laugh at the simpliest things.
Why do we have to like people who can't like us?
Why do we have to fall for the eyes, the way they dance and light up when they laugh. Or the dominant structure of their face, nose, cheeks..... why do we forget the crowds around them when the are there.....why do we forget the fact that time passes by and the next thing you know its dark and time to go home.
Why do we have to be such idiots when we don't see the clear freakin signs in our face that they care.
Why is it so impossible to like me?
Why can't I dance like Ivy?
Why do I want to cry myself to sleep tonight because I feel like nothing is in my hands anymore but I know its going to be okay.
Why can't I be skinner then what I am right now?
Why did I lose my happiness when I grew up?
Why do I have to be falling in love with a guy who will never look at me because I could never, in my wildest dreams, fit his profile that he doesn't even realize he has?
Why can't I be 21?
Why am I such an idiot for feeling sorry for myself when the orphan I donated a stuffed lamb to has no family and is struggling to survive.
Why should I even care about myself anymore because its not like the one who I care the most for will ever see me that way?

Jan. 24th, 2007

Best Kiss Ever

(no subject)

Lets recap....
About college, anyways

You guys remember me saying I found a college?
Well, one day, when driving around, I heard about this college call CSB which stands for Conneticut School of Broadcasting. They offered anything pretty much you were interested in for the broadcasting field. I checked it out and it seemed like everything was looking pretty good.

So yesterday, I decide to go there for the open house. They have an open house every Tuesday night at 7. I gathered my courage and went. It is only about a 30 to 45 minute drive through Tampa. Its this small building with only a few rooms, but it has all of the basics.
The semesters are in March, July, or November.
You can take either morning classes 4 day a week or evening classes two nights a week.
I choose the evening, simply because I need to work too...duh.
So I get in there and there is only like 6 of us, 2 of us girls.
They took us on a tour of the college and introduced us to the curriculum and such.
Everything seemed fine.....
But to everything there is a catch
We had to audition.
What!?!?!?
I didn't know about this.
Not a big deal, right?
Well, it wasn't.
We got the script with our application and we could read it through a prompt on the camera during our audition.
Basically, we couldn't f up.
They only have 40 seats per semester and they go through about 300 applications per semester.
Not good odds huh?
Well, I was just myself during the audition. They asked me some questions about myself and stuff like that.
So that was fun.
They told us to call today to find out if we got in.

So I called and talked to the director.
She praised me on a lot of stuff and told me about two things I have to work on.
But......




I got in!!!!!!!

Jan. 20th, 2007

Best Kiss Ever

(no subject)

Where do I even begin?
Maybe at the part where I am disappointed with myself because I wanted to write more in here about whats going on in my life after the New Year.
Oh well
Stuff happens, I guess.
I live a boring life. I really do. I wake up, go to work, laugh alot at work, gaze at my love interest the entire time, get jokingly made fun of by all, answer some phone calls, and go home to maybe watch t.v., take a shower, and go to bed. I do the same flippin thing everyday.
And yes....thats right, I have a love interest.
His name is Sean and hes alot older then me.
Some say, age is just a number.
Ha, your funny
Awhile ago, someone told him I liked him and he pulled me aside and told me that we couldn't do anything because he is my supervisor and the age different would make things complicated.
Hmph. You still act the same way you did to me before to make people think you have a thing for me and alot of us still think you do.
I'm on my way into management though, so thats a good thing.
I still have not killed my roomate yet. Thats a plus every month. We still annoy the crap out of eachother, but oh well.
I'm still loving the life away from home, even if it is boring. I visit my dad on the weekends to see him and do laundry. I talk to my sister once a week so I can kind of sort of catch up with them.
Other then that, nothing else is new.
I am going to treat myself to a movie today...."The Queen" I hope its good.
Have fun with whatever your doing and until next time....

P.S. Oh yeah...I found a college in Tampa for Broadcasting! Yayayayaya~!

Jan. 19th, 2007

Best Kiss Ever

(no subject)

Holy cow. Do I need to update or what?

Nov. 27th, 2006

Best Kiss Ever

Over Turkey Day break

Things I did over Thanksgiving break.
1) Drank for real for the first time.....A lemondrop and an apple pucker
2) Saw Saw III
3) Went to go out and drink again....2 apple puckers
4) Danced with a guy
5) Got a kiss on the cheek from a guy
6) Booty danced with a guy (and kind of felt his stuff against me)
7) Met Rudolph the red nosed reindeer and took a kodak moment with him
8) Because of the stomach virus that I had, I haven't eaten, therefore I have lost weight and feel better
9) My muscles in my thighs will be strong for a while because I was a "hoochie" and wore three inch heels the whole time I was there. And the will also be prepared for the motions of the oceans when the tide turns ;).
10) Cooked a nice Thanksgiving dinner.

I was pretty busy. lol

Nov. 10th, 2006

Best Kiss Ever

(no subject)

Happy Birthday to me!

So far a rocky start. Ivy did not come home last night so I couldn't fall asleep. I am awoken this morning by her beibg so loud at 6am. I took some meds (because I have a cold or something), but instead of putting me to sleep, I am wise awake. I am so tired though. My neighbors upstairs are a pain because they are vacuuming at 6:15 in the morning...omg. Whoever told them that that was okay must die.

But happy b-day to me.

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